The Gift of Single... at 43

If God simply granted wishes, I'd have married a high school sweetheart (and, of course, lived happily ever after - preferably in a cute little farmhouse on some land somewhere where it never goes above 80 degrees).

If He simply answered prayers, I'd have most certainly married by 43.

But, sometimes He gives us gifts that we don't want, aren't quick to see the value in and would never ask for. 

It's only taken me about 40 years to begin to discover the gift that singleness can be (and to stop rolling my eyes and huffing whenever I read 1 Corinthians 7:7).

   "God gives the gift of single life to some, the gift of married life to others."

(I can't be the only one to have read that and thought "Psh... if it's a gift, where can I exchange it?")

Yes, it is a much simpler life. Less complication. Less 'hassle'. Less mess. 

But, also less companionship. Less communication. Less support.

Point being: there's good and bad to most everything. And I believe Paul is just trying to help us to realize that God is a giver. And whether you find yourself married or not, it's a gift. Not only to be received, but to use. In both regards.

Don't waste so much time and energy resenting the gift that you've been given, that you miss what the gift beholds.

In my 20s, I just expected to get married. It was all but given. It's what you do. Go to college, meet someone, graduate, get married, have kids, get a career, retire, play with some grandbabies... boom. 

Wrong.

In my 30s, I fluctuated between being bitter and resentful that it hadn't happened for me yet (when it seemed to fall into place so easily for everyone else) and holding out hope that it still would somehow for me. 

Wrong again.

In my 20s, I didn't regard the gift at all. 

In my 30s, I focused solely on the gift of marriage and wondered if mine had somehow gotten lost in the mail, wondering if there was some sort of tracking number I could get my hands on somewhere. 

Now in my 40s, I can honestly say that my focus has shifted. From the gift to the Giver. 

I still have a great desire to marry. But, I desire Him more. I still long for intimate companionship, but He knows me better than anyone else ever could. And loves me unconditionally. I still would love to talk to someone besides myself or my cat when I get home. But, He is always available to talk to, is the best listener you can find and even answers if you give Him a chance.

I believe that God has brought me to this place, so I can know Him in ways that would have been hard for me to know if I were married. Seeking His counsel, trusting His protection and provision, focused solely on Him and the things of His heart and resting in His loving arms.

What a beautiful gift indeed.  

I Should've Just Fasted from Facebook

',

It's my fault really.

I had considered fasting from Facebook from the past Wednesday (Ash Wednesday) until Easter. But, just out of complacency and feeling crappy healthwise, I hadn't pulled myself away.

Certainly not one of the reasons I would make a point to fast from social media during Lent, but nonetheless, it would've been helpful to miss out on the deluge of Valentine's Day posts. 

Pictures of couples, celebrating another monumental day together.

Pictures of babies dolled up in their Valentine's best.

Even pictures of heart-shaped pizzas and donuts. (Which doesn't help with my food deprivation either.)

Now, let it be known that even the few years I've had a 'Valentine', I've not been a big fan of the day. I'm one of those unconventional girls who would rather get a bunch of wild flowers on some random day than a dozen of red hot roses on the 14th, because the calendar (and Hallmark) advise you to. So, it's not (just) because I can be a litte jaded, being still single at 41. I just resent the whole day. I appreciate any kindnesses extended to me on Valentine's Day; it's just that it feels a little forced. And fabricated.

But, being as I am still single at 41... and still very much so would love to find someone I could share my life with... it's just another day to feel zeroed out. Marginalized.

It's not that I'm so disillusioned to believe that if I only had that one person, all would be well in my world. I understand that relationships are difficult. They take work. They challenge you. They break you. And that's even when everything goes right. 

I also realize that life happens. Spouses can get sick. Children can become troubled. Jobs can get lost. Houses foreclosed. And then there are in-laws.

I get that.

It's just that the older I get, the more it feels like I'm just an onlooker while everyone else is doing life.

I've always said it's not so much the number (age) that you hit; it's where you are (or aren't) in your life, when you hit that number. 

Up to 40, I always felt like I was missing out.

Post 40, I feel like I have missed out.

It's almost like everyone else my age is out there. They're doing life. Getting dirty. Sometimes getting knocked down. Busy. Tired. And from time to time, maybe even getting benched. But, they're out there. Together. Living. Learning. Cheering each other on. Together.

And the best I can do is watch and maybe cheer from the stands. 

No longer on the field with the 20-somethings. 

Yet not qualified to be on the field with the 40-somethings.

Not that Valentine's causes all these feelings. It just pronounces them. Pronounces that marginalization. 

And I realize that all this only means I'm giving way too much power to a silly little Hallmark generated holiday. But, there it is. And it's my blog, so I can cry (and whine) if I want to.

Whatever. I blame the fact that I can't have chocolate. Or wine. Or ice cream. Or cake. Or any other comfort foods. You try facing this holiday, alone, on a strict hamburger and zucchini diet.

That's what I get for not fasting from Facebook.

Missing Someone I Have Never Met

If you've ever seen the movie "Facing the Giants" then you probably remember the scene. (Especially, if you've seen it as many times as I have.) 

Brooke and Grant Taylor have been struggling with infertility and despite the recurring disappointment, Brooke maintains a hope that one day, they will have children in their home. Someone to read to. Someone to teach songs to. And ends by saying "How can I miss someone so much, that I have never met?"

Man, do those words resonate with me.    

Though I have never had the 'ticking clock', overwhelming desire to have children, I do struggle with this overwhelming desire to be with someone I've (evidently) not yet met.

Will I ever meet the one whom I long for, this side of glory? Only God knows.

But, I believe the older I get, the more I begin to recognize another deep longing within me as well. The desire to be with the One I have yet to meet; God himself. 

And I believe that overwhelming desire will be met. One day.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."  (C.S. Lewis)

What a Single Woman over 40 Needs Most

Woke up this morning to several Mommy friends of mine sharing a link on Facebook:  http://monicaswanson.com/what-a-mom-needs-most-from-her-family-25-things/

Probably should've just left well enough alone, but below is my rebuttal on behalf of all the single ladies (now that Beyonce seems to have moved on).  ;)

Please know that it's all in good fun and maybe just a reminder to all of us that the grass is always greener and we all have pretty much the same desires at the end of the day. 

1. Sleep - The uninterrupted kind.

    Sleep - The interrupted kind.

2. Coffee - Plenty of it.

    Wine - A little bit of it - in good company.

3. A hot shower - Alone.

    A hot shower - And someone who even cares if I do shower.

4. Appreciation - Spoken words. Written words. Just let us know you notice.

    Appreciation - Spoken words. Written words. Just to know we're noticed.

5. Some time alone with Dad.

    Some time with... just about anyone.

6. Regular time with girlfriends.

    Regular time with girlfriends.

7. A creative outlet. - An old one. A new one. Maybe one yet to be discovered.

    A creative outlet - An old one. A new one. Anything to keep our minds preoccupied.

8. Encouragement - Daily. If possible - many times a day.

    Encouragement - Daily. If possible - many times a day.

9. Permission to have an occasional emotional meltdown - Because let's be honest: Sometimes, nothing feels better than a serious ugly cry.

    Permission to have an occasional emotional meltdown - Because let's be honest: Sometimes, nothing feels better than a serious ugly cry.

10. A nap

      A nap

11. Some romance

      Some romance - And not just vicariously through some chick flick already watched a million times.

12. Some new clothes - (Picking up Costco's latest does not count.)

      Some new clothes - (What's this about Costco's latest? That sounds affordable.)

13. Exercise - If it is not scheduled, it won't happen and it is easy to put our own health behind everything else. Help support us here!

      Exercise - And a reason to even do so.

14. Grace - We're doing our best, but we are still human.

      Grace - We're doing our best, but we are still human.

15. A hand getting the house clean - Family: Pitch in. Get the kids to help. Hire a house cleaner. Just don't leave it all on Mom all of the time.

     A hand getting the house clean - Kitty: Clean your own stinkin' litter box for a change!

16. A good book. And the chance to read it now and then.

      A good book. And maybe a reason to put one down now and then.

17. Yummy food that we don't have to cook - Husbands: Cook for us. Or get takeout. Or take us out. Just feed us something delicious that we don't have to make (or clean up!) once in a while.

      Yummy food that we don't have to cook - Cook for us. Clean up after us when we cook. Take us out. Whatever. Any of it. All of it. Just sit with us while we eat.

 

18. Some time to ourselves. All alone. - Or at the very least, the chance to use the bathroom without interruption. 

      Some time that is not all to ourselves. All alone - Or at the very least, an occasional interruption.

19. Chocolate - Our own stash. Please don't touch it.

      Chocolate - And someone to share it with.

20. Laughter - Every day.

      Laughter - Every day.

21. Thoughtfulness - A kind note. A spontaneous gift. A box of chocolates.

      Thoughtfulness - A kind note. A spontaneous gift. A box of chocolates.

22. More coffee - At a real coffee shop, without the kids. (Bringing a friend or a book is a bonus.)

      A little more wine - Maybe at a winery somewhere. Maybe even with a friend or two.

23. Unexpected things - Mommyhood can be so mundane. Surprise us! Flowers or a gift. A trip to Paris (we can dream!) Rescue us from monotony.

     Unexpected things - Singledom can be excruciatingly mundane. Surprise us! Flowers or a gift. A trip to... oh, I don't know... the next county over (we can dream!). Please rescue us from the monotony!

24. A vacation - Or at least the chance to plan and dream about one. Even if it is years away, dreaming and planning is half the fun.

     A vacation - Or at least the chance to plan and dream about one. Even if it is years away, with someone we've not yet met... dreaming and planning is half the fun.

25. Prayer - Don't forget: We need it too!

      Prayer - Please don't forget... we need it, too.