What Might Have Been

Gosh - In some ways, it feels like it was last week. 

Yet, in other ways, it feels like it's been a lifetime ago.

This week, I've had a lot of 'What might have been's going through my mind. 

September 17th has stuck with me for 20 years now. It was this date, back in 1995, that I met the guy I thought I would marry. There have been others over the years, and all have remained special to me - but this one always hits me differently.

Maybe because this is the one I essentially ended. When I gave the ring back. 

I knew when I did, all of what I was giving up. He was a wonderful, sweet, considerate, fun-loving guy  with a loving, enveloping family. And yet, for whatever reason, I felt it the right thing to do. I had no absolute reason; it was just a gut thing. And I have never doubted that it was the right decision. Not that it was an easy one.

But now, all this time later... I find myself thinking... What if?

What if I had just gone through with the wedding... the marriage?

Would we have been able to work through whatever it was that gave me reservations?

Would we have been stronger for it?

Or would we have continued to struggle and grow apart?

I guess it doesn't really matter. We'll never know. 

If my 20 yr old self knew that I would still be single at 41, I may have been more inclined to have stuck it out and taken my chances. I don't know. 

What I do know is, I am stronger and wiser for the road I have taken. There are lessons I never would have learned had I not loved and lost in such a profound way. And I will always cherish him and his family for what they meant to me. And for these things I am thankful.

(lyrics to 'What Might Have Been' by Little Texas)